A Guide to Swinger Etiquette

A Guide to Swinger Etiquette

Sometimes people get into the lifestyle and get frustrated right away because they aren’t getting any results. They haven’t had any luck hooking up with couples, they’ve met a few but haven’t been called back or aren’t getting responses to their emails. They wonder, “Is it us?” Well, here’s a few tips on how to behave in a lifestyle situation so you won’t have to ask yourself that question.

Online Etiquette

1) Read someone’s profile through before you email them; don’t just shoot out generic “hi how are u nice pics” emails to every profile in a 50-mile radius. Some people are looking for something very specific and will tell you that in their profile. Some swingers don’t like single males, some are full-swap only, and some are only looking for a single woman, for a few examples. It is okay to send an email saying “I read your profile and you may not be interested in us but….” However, it really annoys people when you send emails out based only on their pictures and ignore the profile they took all that time to write.

2) Answer all your emails. You’ll get emails from couples you aren’t interested in too; it’s considered polite to email them back and tell them “No thanks” so they know you took a look at their email. You’re going to have to learn to turn people down at some point anyway; might as well be online. Remember, if you tell someone politely that you aren’t interested and they get pissed off, that’s their problem, not yours – you were polite and honest.

Party Etiquette

So let’s say you’re out in public and you see a couple you’re interested in. How do you approach them? Are you scared of coming off too pushy?

1) Introduce yourselves just like you would anywhere else. Make sure all of you are there, both members of each couple, and just say “Hi, my name is ____ and this is my spouse ___” Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to someone you want to talk to! Many new couples find the hardest thing is to meet people when they are just starting out and uncertain. If you are at a swingers’ event, everyone who is at that party is there because they want to meet other swingers. Just walk right up, stick out your hands, and say hi. It’s not rude (unless you’re obviously interrupting some activity, that is!). If they don’t want to chat, oh well – go introduce yourselves to someone else!

2) Don’t touch without permission! If you want to play with someone/kiss them/grab their ass you need to introduce yourself and ask permission first. You need to ask the person you want to touch. Not their spouse, their friend, or anyone else. You need to tell them what you want to do, and you need to understand that permission granted may be for one time only. For example, if you see a girl with her breasts out and you’ve seen a couple people feeling them? Don’t think just because other people are touching her it’s okay with her if you touch also! They may all be friends of hers! Walk up, say something like “Hi, you have great breasts, do you mind if I touch?” And if she says it’s okay, it doesn’t mean you can (necessarily) feel them again whenever you want. And introduce yourself before you walk away! After all, you are here to meet people, not just grope on them, right

3) Chat with both members of the couple. Don’t just both chat up the wife and ignore the husband, he’s part of the package too! If you see someone you want to talk to and their spouse isn’t around, that’s fine, but if you’ve been talking to someone for a while and are interested make sure you locate their spouse and introduce yourself. All four people involved should have a chance to meet and talk.

4) Don’t be pushy. Coming off as pushy, as all about one member of the couple, or only about sex, is one of the worst things you can do in most cases. Any swinger will tell you they hate feeling pushed and they consider it extremely rude. It can be hard at first when you’re new to the lifestyle; other couples may consider you pushy when you’re just ready for your first sexual experience! Just remember, most people want to make small talk about things other than sex when they first meet. They want to find out if their personalities click and they can be comfortable! Don’t be afraid to get someone’s contact information and wait for another time, if that’s what they want. Yes, it’s true you may not see them again if your schedules don’t coincide, but if you try and talk them into hooking up right now when it’s not what they want then 1) you’re not going to see them again 2) you may get a reputation as a pushy couple and 3) you’re still not getting laid. So be sure to relax and go with the flow of the evening.

6) If you have to turn someone down, a polite “No thanks” is enough. Turning another couple down is actually most swingers’ worst nightmare. This is one situation where if you have to tell a white lie it’s probably okay; if you say something like “we’re tired” or “she has a headache” or even (if you’re on a date) “the babysitter called and we have to go home” chances are that they’ll know you’re lying but won’t call you on it; it’s seen as declining gracefully. It’s also perfectly acceptable to just say “No thanks.” Don’t give your reason! “No thanks, you’re not our type” is all the information anyone should need; they don’t need to hear why they aren’t your type, especially if it’s unflattering to them. If they demand to know why they aren’t your type you’re under no obligation to answer; you declined politely and if they can’t handle rejection that’s their problem. Just walk away.

7) If you should have a problem as a couple deal with it privately. Not only is it considered more polite, it won’t get you a reputation! It’s more than likely that one of you will get jealous at some point, it happens to almost everyone. Just excuse yourselves, go outside or into a private room or corner, and talk it over quietly. It’s very rude to cause a scene, it brings down the whole mood of a party. You should leave the couple who caused the jealousy out of it; unless they disregarded a rule you’d stated to them ahead of time, it’s not their fault. People will give you space if you need it, we’ve all been there, but if you cause a scene you may not be invited back.

House Party Etiquette

When you are at a house party, think about your behavior this way: if this couple had invited just the two of you over, how would you act? Now, just because there are other couples here, why should you behave any differently? Respect the house and be a good guest and you will be invited back.

1) Please remember you are in someone’s home and not a bar! You should always respect your surroundings but it’s even more important when you’ve been invited into someone’s house. Pick up after yourself. Don’t leave cups/plates/beer bottles around; if you don’t know where the trashcan is you can ask. Smoke in the designated area. Go outside to smoke! Don’t ash all over their nice patio/throw your butts in their yard, use an ashtray! Let them know! If you accidentally spill a drink, or if you see someone doing something they shouldn’t (they’re in a room that’s off limits, for example) let your host or hostess know about it! They will appreciate it, I promise.

In general; be polite, respect your surroundings, respect others’ bodies and their boundaries. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Follow these rules and you should have no problem!

Disclaimer: I’m not an advice columnist; I have no degrees in psychology or human relationships. I’m just your average swinger who thinks about things a lot, and I thought it was a good idea to write down some of my own thoughts and opinions about the lifestyle. If this can help you in any way to navigate your own way through the lifestyle, that’s fantastic. But I may be wrong sometimes, and you should always remember to use your own best judgment.

About jeninflorida

I love to write and share
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3 Responses to A Guide to Swinger Etiquette

  1. John says:

    Good post. Clear and straightforward.

  2. Roger says:

    Fellow swinger here with 10+ years experience. Your post is great, and I can’t find a thing I disagree with. These are guidelines for any situation, but many couples violate these rules when at a swinger function. The more liberal attitudes and the often sexually charged atmosphere of the attendees does not absolve one of good behavior. Yet I’ve seen many couples violate these rules, and it can often turn the hottest couple at the party into the biggest pariah – all because Mr. All-That can’t keep his hands to himself. As seasoned party-goers, my wife and I can typically spot the many subtle types of swingers at a party, including those who can’t behave. Drama is easy to spot once you have an eye for it, and unfortunately, you do have to have some bad experiences to learn how to have better ones.

    The latest trend we see are new couples to the scene (regardless of age), overly stimulated at the sexual possibilities that may be present, who seem to need a refresher course in basic social tenets. Sometimes it’s a first – and last – experience for many couples without the acumen to apply these rules from the get-go.

    We’re glad to be well past those learning stages, because now, we know how to have fun almost every time out. The lifestyle is most certainly an interesting ride.

  3. Rowen says:

    Thank you for the advice. I have no experience but it’s something I’ve thought about , who hasn’t. My brother an his wife are. My wife has some group experience so guess I am the prude. Seems like commensense to me not to be grabby. Better to focus on the person then copping a feel.

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